How to Communicate in a Relationship: Why Understanding Matters More Than Being Right
“Understanding is love’s other name.” — Thích Nhất Hạnh
That need to be right…
Most of us know that pull well, especially in close relationships. Wanting to prove our point or to “win” the argument.
Many couples struggle with how to communicate in a relationship, especially during conflict. It’s easy to get pulled into trying to prove your point or to be understood first.
But that’s often where things begin to break down. You want your partner to understand what really happened and to see it the way you see it. The only thing is, oftentimes, they’re trying to do the same thing also.
The Trap of Being Right
However, trying to convince your partner of “what really happened” rarely brings you closer and in fact can be a recipe for creating more distance.
The truth is, two realities can exist at once. When the agenda becomes about convincing one another, distance follows.
Shift happens
One of the most meaningful shifts you can make is this:
Moving from, “How do I show them I’m right?” to, “Help me understand.”
Research from The Gottman Institute shows that around 69% of problems in relationships are actually perpetual. What does this mean? It means many couples are most likely having the same argument over and over again.
If the goal is to solve the problem once and for all, you may stay stuck. But when the goal shifts to understanding, something begins to change.
What Understanding Can Sound Like
This can be as simple as:
“Help me understand.”
“Tell me more about that.”
“I’d like to understand how you saw it.”
“Thank you for sharing that with me.”
Understanding is love’s other name.
Understanding means being willing to stay curious about your partner’s perspective and the values underneath the issue that matter to them.
The simple practice of shifting from proving your point to understanding begins to move things toward repair. And yes, it’s easier said than done. But like all things its a practice and so breaking the habit may take some time.
An IFS Lens: What Part Is Showing Up?
From an Internal Family Systems perspective, what you’re hearing in conflict is often a part of your partner speaking.
Maybe a protective part, a part that feels hurt, defensive, or misunderstood.
When you can get curious, you might begin to wonder:
What is this part trying to protect?
What is it needing right now?
Why is it showing up in this moment?
You can also turn that same curiosity inward:
What part of me needs to be right right now?
What is it trying to protect?
A Practice to Try: Responding vs Reacting
The next time conflict arises, try taking a moment to pause, take a breath, and say, “Help me understand.”
It’s a small shift, but it changes the direction of the conversation and over time that shift matters more than being right.
These moments of repair can be seen as making deposits to the relationship’s emotional bank account. And ultimately, repair is what builds trust.
Work With Me
If you’re finding it hard to shift these patterns on your own, couples therapy can help you communicate more effectively and feel more connected.
I offer Gottman and IFS Informed couples therapy for clients across California. Reach out for a free consultation.